


Broken Angel

by Justonebreathx (MandyxoxoPayne)



Category: NASCAR RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Comfort, Depression, F/M, Friendship/Love, Love Confessions, NASCAR, Surprise Kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-28 17:16:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12611476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MandyxoxoPayne/pseuds/Justonebreathx
Summary: "What's wrong?" That was the question Ryan Blaney asked his bestfriend, Aileen.  She couldn't tell him what was wrong, she just couldn't.  How could she explain to him that her soul is so broken that nothing is worth living for anymore?  She didn't want the pity so she can't tell him, no matter what he says or tries to do.





	Broken Angel

I sat at my desk at work, staring at my computer screen, but not seeing anything. I’ve been in a zombie state this whole week. Everything in my life seems to be going wrong and I didn’t see a way to fix anything. Plus, I’m struggling big time with my depression and anxiety, and no matter what I do, they just won’t go away.

Like right now, my mind is screaming at me that I’m messing up big time on this Brief I’m working on. When in fact, all I’m doing is typing up the dictation the Attorney I work for already dictated. But I feel like I’m failing, when I know I’m not.

I sighed, taking a sip of my iced coffee hoping the familiar taste of peppermint will comfort me when my phone buzzed on my desk. I glanced at it to see who was texting me, I’ve been avoiding all of my messages, it’s just better that I do. Don’t want to ruin anyones day by my depressed state, and honestly, they’re probably better off without me anyways.

I ignored the text, trying to focus on the monotone voice coming through my headphones when my phone buzzed again. I picked it up this time, a string of texts coming through like rapid fire, all from one person: Ryan Blaney, my best friend since as long as I can remember.

I unlocked my phone as two more texts came through. He honestly had me worried now that something bad happened, but I just rolled my eyes and shook my head when it was just selfies.

_Aileen! Are we still on for tonight?_

Oh, shit! I forgot we planned a movie night to catch up on things. Between him being busy with racing and me always working late, we hardly see each other.

_Why are you not answering me?_

He sent a selfie, frowning. I gave a small little smile, I know he means well, but, why does he have to be so adorable while he tries?

 

_Is there something wrong? Something’s wrong. You always text me back when I send you hot selfies of me._

I bit my lip, he always knew something was off when I don’t get back to him. As a rule, we always text each other when we wake up, just a simple “good morning” or a “have a nice day”. It keeps us in constant contact even though we’re both super busy. We planned a movie night months ago and I completely forgot. And I just realized I haven’t sent him a text since last weekend before his Xfinity race.

I felt horrible.

After that text he sent me a selfie of him trying to give me a smoldering look, but failing big time. It made me smile.

_That’s it, I’m kidnapping you._

He sent a photo of him in his truck, driving down some street. I was kinda shocked that it was dark out and then I looked at the clock. It was nearing 8PM and I didn’t even realize it. I must be the last person in the office.

I clicked on the box beneath his latest text saying I better be dead for not answering him, but he knew I wasn’t, I have my read receipts on.

_Ryan - stop. I’m alive. No need to kidnap me._

_Too late =)_

I rolled my eyes as a small smile splayed across my lips, he sent a photo of him trying to get into my office building but obviously the doors were locked since it was after hours.

_Don’t make me come in and get you._

_Coming._

_That’s what she said =P_

I rolled my eyes, pocketed my phone and grabbed my stuff. It was Friday after all, I should have ditched this place the moment it was 5 o’clock like everyone else does.

I round the corner and stopped in my tracks. Ryan was standing on the sidewalk in front of the office, walking back and forth and running his hands through his hair. If I didn’t know better, he was nervous, which I didn’t understand. He was fidgeting and I saw him try to relax his shoulders with a deep sigh.

He had no reason to be nervous around me, I’m a nobody.

“Aileen, there you are!” He turned around, giving me a huge smile as I walked out of the office and gave me a huge hug. He smelled so good, and he felt so warm with his hoodie on.  
“You didn’t have to come and kidnap me.”  
“Yes I did. We planned on meeting up at 6, and it’s almost 8 now.”  
I frowned, “I’m really sorry, Ryan, things got away from me.” In other words, I forgot, I suck, and shouldn’t have a friend like you. He looked at me like he could read my mind, his eyebrows borrow for a moment before he gave me a smile.  
“Don’t be sorry! Pretty sure if I didn’t show up, you would have been here until the cleaning crew showed up tomorrow morning.” He was right. I have a very bad habit of working late. It’s just, I have no where else to be. Most of my friends are married with families of their own, and I’m not dating anyone, so it’s so easy for me to lose track of time. “Please, don’t worry about it. We have the whole night ahead of us. Now, c’mon, I’m starving.” Ryan must have sensed my mind was running amuck because he quickly grabbed my arm and pulled me towards his truck. “We’ll get your car later.”

I threw my stuff in the backseat of his truck and climbed in. “Why does it always smell like burnt rubber in here?” I teased, wrinkling my nose.  
“Hey! You know it smells good in here, you’re the one who bought me this awesome Vader smelly plug-in thingy because if I remember correctly, you said ‘because it smells like ass in here, Blaney.’” I laughed, for the first time in what seemed like forever. “There’s that smile I love.” I ignored that last comment, thinking he was just being nice. No one loves my smile, not even I do.  
“It was horrible. No wonder you could never get a girl to go home with you.”  
“Because I’m waiting for the right moment to ask her out.” He mumbled, and my heart sank.

What? I wanted to ask him who this girl was, but I didn’t expect for me to feel the way that I do. I mean, I always teased him that he doesn’t have a girlfriend, but he just smiled at me, shrugged and said “all in God’s timing.” I couldn’t get over how it didn’t bother him, whereas with me, I think there’s something wrong, there has to be, why don’t guys like me?

“What? You’re not going to bombard me with questions?” He peeked at me from the corner of his eye.  
I blinked out of my thoughts, “nah, I’ll catch you when you least expect it.” He pursed his lips and didn’t say anything to that.

There was something going on and but I just ignored it. I really need to get out of this mood I’m in.

As we drove down the highway, I realized we were heading away from his home. “Where are you taking me?” He just laughed and shook his head.  
“Just a slight detour.” He gave me a grin as he pulled off the highway and into the parking lot of Taco Bell. He knew I had a love of cheap greasy Mexican food.  
“Blaney, no! I’m okay with just popcorn and beer.”  
“You may be okay with that, but I’m not! Plus I gotta get my girl her favorite.”  
I just rolled my eyes, “fine, whatever, but you’re buying.”

~*~

I sat on Ryan’s couch, my legs tucked up under me with his Star Wars blanket keeping me warm. It started to snow the moment we got to his place. I completely forgot they were calling for a few inches of snow overnight, which meant I’m stuck here for who knows how long. Just thankfully I had my gym bag with me so at least I had some clothes. But, I did opted to steal a pair of Blaney’s sweats and one of his old racing shirts. Way more comfortable than yoga pants and a sports bar.

Ryan sat on the other end of the couch, totally engrossed in the new Spider-Man movie. He was so adorable laughing at it. He must have sensed I was looking at him because he glanced up at me, and then down to my untouched food. “Okay, what’s wrong? You haven’t touched your apple empanada and don’t tell me ‘nothing’ cuz you always steal mine.”  
I shrugged, “I’m saving it for later.” I smiled the best I could but he just looked at me with concern. I knew he could tell my smile wasn’t reaching my eyes.

“What’s wrong? He sat down his drink and turned to face me fully. “You haven’t been texting like you normally do and you’re overworking yourself. I can see it on your face. You look at me without seeing me. Where is your mind?”  
“That’s a loaded question,” I said more for myself than for him to hear, “Blaney, it’s honestly nothing.” I sighed, “let’s just finish watching the movie.”

I returned to the TV, grateful he let it dropped, but now I couldn’t get my mind off of everything that was going on. Just focus on the movie and not think, you’re a pro at this. I reminded myself.

It worked. Well, it worked up until Ryan huffed and made his way to my side of the couch and took the blanket from me. “Hey!” I protested.  
“Get up,” he said, motioning me to move. “Don’t make me pick you up.”  
“Ryan.”  
“Don’t ‘Ryan’ me. Get up.” He was getting angry, which just made me mad in return.  
“I don’t know why you’re acting like this.”  
“Maybe because I’m tired of my best friend lying to me when I ask her what’s wrong.” I huffed, standing up, only to be manhandled and pulled back down onto the couch so we were both lying down. Ryan’s strong arms held me tight around my center, my back against his and our legs intertwined. He threw the blanket back over us and pulled me close to him.

“Since you’re not going to tell me what’s wrong, I’m going to at least give you some comfort. I can feel how tense you are, you also keep shaking your foot, and I can tell your mind is running a million miles an hour. I don’t think you’ve paid attention to the movie at all.” He was right, I had no idea what was going on. I just, I’m so tired of everything. “Just try to relax, it’s the least you can do for me.” I nodded my head and allowed him to hold my hand. I held onto it like my life depended on it.

We’ve been in this position one other time, and that’s when my long term boyfriend cheated on me. I called Ryan crying, I had no one else to call, and he drove from whatever racetrack he was at, crawled into my bed and held me all night and headed back to the racetrack at the last possible minute. We didn’t talk about anything, he just held me, letting me cry into his chest until I fell fast asleep.

We’ve never talked about that night and I’m grateful for it, I wasn’t sure what I would say.

But this time, is a million times different. I felt like my life was falling apart and there was nothing I could do that would change that around.

“Hey, why are you crying?” I reached up to wipe my face and was surprised to see that I was crying.  
“I didn’t know I was.” I swallowed, curling in on myself as Ryan sat up on one arm.  
“Turn around.” I didn’t move, “please.” I did as I was told, turning around to come face to face with blue eyes, they were filled with worry, which just made me cry even more.

“Why are you crying?” He asked again.  
“I don’t know.” Ryan frowned, reaching down and wiping away my tears. He sighed laying back down and kept his eyes on my face.  
“Please, I want to help you, but you have to tell me why you’re crying.” I shook my head no as a sob bubbled up in my throat. He launched himself at me, holding tightly and stroking my back. “It’s going to be okay, I promise you, it’s going to be okay,” his voice broke on the last ‘okay’ which made me look up at him.  
“How do you know? How do you know that it’s going to be okay?”  
He blinked once and answered me simply, “because I do.” He had such confidence in his answer that it took me by surprise.

Then everything came crashing down.

“But how can you say that? How do you know? My life is falling apart. I’m just barely getting by. I don’t know what to do, Ryan, I don’t. One minute I’m happy, and then the next I can’t get out of bed in the mornings because I’m going to fuck things up.” I sobbed into his chest, pouring my heart out to him. “I’m not happy, I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt joy. I don’t remember wanting to live my life. And I’m just getting by, living paycheck to paycheck and praying my debit card doesn’t get declined when I’m buying things.” I hiccuped, trying to catch my breath.  
“Aileen,” his voice was pained which just made me feel even worse.  
“I have nothing going for me, Ryan, nothing.” I hit him in the chest, trying to convey my pain, “all of my friends are married and having families of their own. I can’t even attract a fly and I’m not getting any younger. Why can’t I be like them? What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone love me?” I felt so helpless and broken.

I closed my eyes, wishing I could disappear. “Aileen, please, look at me.” I opened my eyes and Ryan wiped away my tears. “Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?” I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “No, I’m being serious. You’re so beautiful, talented and smart.”  
“You’re only saying that because you have to.”  
“I’m saying it because it’s true. I don’t think you see how beautiful you are. How talented and smart. Hell, you even beat me at Mario Kart and you don’t even play video games!” Ryan laughed which made me smirk a little. “I know that doesn’t sound like much, but it is.”  
“I’m broken, Ryan, no one wants me.”  
“I want you.” He said it so fast I almost didn’t hear it.  
“Stop it,” I said, starting to get mad. “It’s your job as my friend to say that, so stop it.” I pushed away from him, wanting to get up but he just pulled me back down. “Let me go, Ryan. I don’t want your pity.”

I jumped off the couch, fuming. I walked over towards his glass doors and watched as the snow fell, there were already a few inches on the ground and I wish I could go home. I want to be alone. I shouldn’t have said anything to him. I somehow feel worse.

“Aileen,” I turned around, surprised to see Ryan right behind me. He looked into my eyes, a storm brewing behind his baby blues. I couldn’t look away as he took my hand, pulling me to him. He placed his palms on my cheek, cradling my face in his hands and ever so slowly, leaned in and kissed me.

His lips were so soft and warm against mine. I wanted to melt against him as he tried to deepen the kiss, but I moved my head to the side. “Ryan,” I pulled his hand off my face.  
“I’m not pitying you, not one bit. I’m trying to tell you that I want you. You, Aileen, you’re the one I’ve been waiting for. Yeah, the timing is shit, but you need to know how much I care for you.”  
“You’re just saying that, though.” I was crying again and Ryan cradled my face in his hands again and made sure I was looking at him.  
“No, I’m not. I’m not saying it to make you feel better. I’m telling you the truth!” He was getting frustrated with me but quickly took a breath. He dropped his hands and stepped back, running his hands through his hair and turned around from me.

“Ya know, I thought this was going to be different. I thought when the time came, we’d be on the same level. I’m not sure what I was hoping for, but you need to know now.”  
“What are you talking about?” He had me so confused. He turned and looked at me from over his shoulder. I stood there, wiping away my tears and waited for him to answer me, and just like before. He walked towards me, with purpose this time, grabbed me by the neck and pressed his lips to mine, kissing me so softly.  
“I love you,” he whispered against my lips, leaning his forehead on mine.  
“What?” I’m imagining this, right?  
“I love you,” he kissed me, “I love you, Aileen.” He looked at me and I could see it in his eyes. No one has ever looked at me like that before. “I’ve loved you since I could remember.”  
“You have?”  
He shook his head yes. “I’ve never told you cause you’ve been so busy with living your life. Like I said before, you’re beautiful and smart. You need to be reminded of this and I’m going to try my damndest to do that. That is, if you allow me to.”  
“You love me? But I’m so broken.”  
“My broken angel, who I love and no matter what, we’ll get through this.” He pulled me into a hug. “I’m going to be here for you. I’m going to make sure you get up in the mornings. I’m going to make sure you feel like you’re accomplishing things in life; which you already are. Have you realized what you’ve done? You’ve done so much more than I have. I mean, I drive in circles for a living.” I laughed, “there’s my favorite laugh,” he sighed.

Ryan kissed my forehead, grabbed my hand and walked us back to the couch. I sat sideways in his lap, the blanket back over us. My head was in his neck while he held my hand. “We’re going to get through this, together, okay? If things are really tight, you can move in with me if needed. I mean, I did just buy this huge house and it does get lonely at times.”  
“Not sure when you grew up, Blaney, I think it was just last year you forgot to pay your light bill,” I teased, kissing his cheek. “Okay,” I said simply, already feeling a tiny bit better but still not enough.  
“And I want you to stop comparing yourself to others. You know God has a plan for you and it’s all in His time, okay?”  
I nodded, “As long as you’re by my side. I don’t think I’ll be able to do this without you.”

I stared at the TV, the movie still playing even though neither of us has been paying attention to it when I realized something I’ve been completely blind to. Ryan has been there for me as long as I can remember. He was there for me when my prom date never showed up, he was there for me when I got sick and he missed one of his favorite dirt races just to take care of me. I’ve never noticed until right now how much he does for me.

“I really don’t deserve you in my life, but I’m so grateful that you are. I owe you so much.” I kissed his hand, snuggling closer. Something he said to me earlier came back to the forefront. “What did you mean you thought this would be different and that we’d be on the same level?” Ryan was silent for a moment before he sighed, “a part of me hoped I’d pluck up the courage to ask you out, and then we’d both fall in love at the same time. As cliche as that sounds, I loved the idea of that,” he shrugged. “Tonight made me realized that there’s no perfect time, so I had to tell you that you’re loved and that you’re capable of making it through this. You need to know that someone loves you.”  
“I love you, too,” I whispered, “You saying that to me made me realize that I do. You’re the one I run to when I need someone. You’re the first person I text in the morning and the last person I think of before I fall asleep.” I smiled at him, feeling warmth flood through me. “Does this mean we’re a thing now?” I mused.  
“Pretty sure we’ve always been, now it’s just official. Now give me a big ole sloppy kiss!” He placed an open mouth kiss on my cheek, causing me to yell out in surprise.  
“Blaney!” He laughed, blowing a raspberry and peppering kisses all over. “Stop!” I couldn’t help but giggle and for the first time I feel so free.

“We’re going to get through this together, right? Promise me this,” I said, suddenly very serious. I needed to make sure. This can’t be just a dream.  
“I promise, with my whole heart.” Ryan held out his pinkie to me, I locked mine with his as both of us leaned in to kiss our enclosed fists. “I promise.” He reassured me, “I promise.”

For the first time in who knows how long, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I settled in, allowing my eyes to close and for sleep to wrap around me like a long lost friend. I felt safe in Ryan’s loving arms and I never plan to let him go.


End file.
